Duck Soup

You might want to watch your step… there’s a duck crossing ahead.

Several ducks, in fact. You might want to get your ducks in a row before continuing this column I’ve just hatched.

Okay. I know what you’re thinking: this is probably going to be one of Mike’s most fowl columns yet. It probably doesn’t take a birdbrain to figure that out. Don’t get your feathers ruffled – there’s a point in all this.

Had Groucho Marx himself not been my spirit animal, it would most likely have been a duck. One of my more popular impersonations used to be that of Donald Duck in a very adult situation. That it’s possibly my only impersonation is neither here nor there. There is potentially only one reader of this column who will remember when “Duck” was my nickname. When the Trophy Wife and I got married, our first apartment was SO cluttered with ducks that any time a guest brought another dust magnet featuring this specific bird, we would joke “Great… another f***ing duck.” Maybe we weren’t joking. 

Since my early duck adventures, I’ve gone on to lead a fairly normal productive interesting life, without any interactions with these creatures. Until recently.

Earlier this year, the TW and I relocated to an area full of ducks. Prior to this move, I had no idea there were so many different kinds of ducks – and they seemingly all live in this community. I suppose that, had I bothered to notice that Donald Duck looked nothing like Daffy Duck, I might have realized that there are differences.

I know you’re walking on eggs, wondering where this will go. One of the points that I’m trying to make is that, despite their obvious differences, we have so many kinds of ducks in this community and they co-exist wonderfully. Ornithologists and sociologists can marvel at this fact, and frankly I’m amazed at how these birds do seem to stick to their own families (and wow, rabbits ain’t got nothing on ducks!), but will still swim, hang out, eat, and play together. Can’t we all just get along?

But here’s the thing: I don’t think these birds are living up to their potential. There’s my next calling: I’m going to be a life coach for ducks. I bring all this up due to some recent experiences I’ll share with you here.

There is a breed of ducks here called Muscovy. They seem prevalent in parts of Texas and Florida, as well as many Central American locales. Large birds, with red heads, you’d know ’em if you saw ’em. Despite the fact that I’m learning more about ducks every day, that knowledge is often limited to who parties with who, and so forth. The fact is: I’m a horrible student.

Here’s one thing I’ve learned about this specific type of duck: they’re aggressive. And pushy. And they don’t back down. Does this remind you of anyone? Okay…anyone other than me? None of those adjectives properly describe me, anyway, so don’t try to be clever. 

At any rate, those are great descriptions of salespeople. Good and bad. I like two out of three of those characteristics. “Pushy” has always turned me off. Picture a car salesperson as a duck, and you’ve got a Muscovy.

There is one ultra-Muscovy here in this community. “Aggressive” is an understatement. This one follows us while we’re walking the dog, to the point of it chasing us. We speed up… it speeds up. Is it friend of fowl? I don’t know the level of viciousness of this (or any) duck, and I don’t want to find out. You can hear the slapping of those webbed feet on the sidewalk as it gives chase. On at least one occasion, I had to slam a door on it (think “encyclopedia-selling duck”). This one does not give up. Someday I may hire it.

Then there’s another duck tale (see what I did there?). During another of our walks, we encountered a group of three brown ducks. A quick Google search tells me these may be “Mottled” ducks. You needed to know in case there’s a test later.

As a rule, when we walk, the ducks scatter. Perhaps they know of my affinity for roast duck. If I ever fall into conversation with one, I’ll try to get a better read on the breed. Okay… back to my three ducks. As we were walking, true to form, they scattered. Instead of heading to the water, they waddled into the direction of the street – to the point where they just stood in the middle of it. Not eating, not preening, just standing there.

Did I mention it’s a busy street? No. My wife and I heard the car coming. We saw one duck just standing there like, well… a sitting duck. From where we were, there was nothing we could do but turn away.

And listen.

And hear that awful sound. We turned around, and the driver of the vehicle kept going. In retrospect, I don’t know what else he was supposed to do. Next of kin wasn’t going to ask for insurance papers. But those other two ducks stood nearby, seemingly crying for their pressed duck companion. If there’s ever any question about whether or not animals feel emotion, let this story sink in with you. Those ducks were sad. Or confused. I’m sticking with sad.

But here’s the thing… and it’s the thing that makes this column relevant to all of us. There is one common denominator to both of these episodes. In neither case did the duck attempt to fly. Ducks have this amazing ability to go from here to there just by flapping their wings.

In that it’s unlikely that the Muscovy duck will ever read this column, I’ll point out that, had it tried to fly after us, it would have overtaken us in no time and probably stolen our lunch money or whatever it is that aggressive ducks do. Just a little wing power and it would accomplish what it really wanted. 

Regarding the Mottled duck, if it had seen the oncoming car, it might have flapped those wings and flown out of harm’s way. It, too, has had the ability to fly, and chose not to.

What about you? Are you able to fly? Do you have strength and abilities that you’re not using? Take a moment and think about them. What skills do you already possess that will help you overtake your competition? What hidden secrets do you know that will enable you to avoid and evade costly (but hopefully not fatal) errors?

And that, my friends, is my life lesson for ducks. And for you, too. Wait’ll you get my bill.

Mike Schenker, MAS, is the executive director of the Gold Coast Promotional Products Association (GCPPA), as well as “all that” at Mike Schenker, Consulting. He is a promotional industry veteran and member of the Specialty Advertising Association of Greater New York (SAAGNY) Hall of Fame. He can be reached at mike@mikeschenker.com.