Originally published in January 2011, this "Throwback Thursday" piece from Mike Schenker, MAS, is the first in a series of weekly installments of his most popular contributions to Identity Marketing from the past 20 years.
As I write this, it's about 30 degrees in northwestern New Jersey. Fortunately, the forecast is calling for a light rain. Up in the mountains where we live, when it gets this cold, even the slightest precipitation can lead to all sorts of adventures.
Why I’m concerning myself with any of this is beyond me, as I am presently on the island of Sint Maarten, which is not to be confused with Saint Martin. They’re actually the same island but one clearly beset with identity issues and a simmering turf war between the southern Dutch side (where I am) and the northern French side (where I'm not). It's going to be another monotonous 80-plus degree day here, but I'm determined to get some work done. Deadlines are deadlines, so I'm sitting here with my back to the sea (I can still hear it, however), as I type away on my sand-sucking laptop (note to self: pick up a can of compressed air to clean this thing out!).
I did not choose to come to the Dutch side and its more puritanical ways (the nude beaches are on the French side); it chose me. More accurately, my parents did, as they have a timeshare here and invited the Trophy Wife and me to join them for a week. Kinda hard to turn down such an opportunity, so here I sit, slaving away on this column as everyone else in the house is doing something remarkably more fun (I wonder if my father's eyes are closed yet). The things I do for you, Faithful Readers.
Truth be known, on some level I've probably been working the whole time I've been here. Whether it was noticing the screen print shop on the way from the airport, or stopping by the market stalls selling embroidered tote bags, after 25-plus years in the promotional products business, the mind just doesn't shut off the business side just because you're slathering on the sunscreen.
When we arrived, there was a message waiting for my parents from their concierge, stating that their presence was requested at a specific date and time. "Requested" may be an understatement. It was an actual "appointment." Someone obviously doesn't understand the concept of "island time." Something about the words "free gift" said "sales pitch" to me. Must have been because I hadn’t yet braided my hair in Bo Derek-style, and wasn't yet in full island mode.
So my mother and I went to the office and, before the door had shut behind us, she was handed a tote bag, screen printed with the name of the resort (on just one side... cheapies!). Mom listened to the sales pitch (see, I told you) and said that she’d discuss the new marvelous opportunity with my father. We took the tote bag back to the condo, and added it to their collection (I lost count at about 23).
The first night here, we went to dinner at a very nice restaurant. Horrible service, wonderful food. Quite a conflict for people who hadn't eaten in, oh... about two hours. I'll spare you my issues with the service (those will be shared in some gastronomic periodical instead), and share with you one of the things this restaurant did right.
Their gift shop was full of top-quality souvenir items. Some promotional products distributor did a good job of merchandising this restaurant. It featured more than just a T-shirt and a hat... there were probably a dozen shirt styles, each with a different custom design which, to my trained eye, was not a stock design. Each shirt was more eye-catching and appealing than the next... the type of shirts I would want to purchase as a reminder of the restaurant had I not been so disappointed in the service. What really set this gift shop apart from any other I can remember was their full line of hand-blown glassware. Pitchers, ashtrays (why are there so many smokers on this island?), highball glasses, fish bowls(!)... all gorgeous, one-of-a-kind items. This truly was a unique selection.
Last night's dinner was at a place a bit more mainstream, and the merchandise for sale backed that up. One T-shirt design, available on a regular T-shirt and on a woman'’s tank, and one unisex cap. Boring. And yet... people were clamoring for the other promotional items available.
For starters, when you sat down, on each placemat was what I can best describe as a “clapper” (small “c”, as opposed to “Clapper”, the wonderful invention for people too lazy to get off their fat butts and shut off the light). I’m sure you know to what I refer: it’s a noisemaker that "claps" when you wave it (a wonderful invention for people too lazy to lift both arms and clap their hands). These would later be needed during the entertainment portion of the evening (keep reading, if you dare).
This restaurant was full, and every place setting had one of these clappers. Not one of them was imprinted. There was nothing to indicate the name of the restaurant. Major "fail." What's the point of having all these giveaways if the drunkards throughout the restaurant won't possibly remember where they were the night before?
The other promotional merchandising at this restaurant worked slightly better for me. Simply, they had a plastic pink tankard, with a white logo imprinted. These were being given away. Free. Well, free, to a point. You had to earn them. By "you" I mean "men," specifically. And by "men," I mean "other men, not me."
For one, the last thing I needed was a plastic pink tankard. For another, I was not about to get up on stage with nine other men, dress in hideous drag outfits and pose and dance along the catwalk to the cheers and catcalls of the well inebriated. To borrow an oft-used line of the Trophy Wife, there ain’t enough vodka in the world to get me up there.
ALL 10 participants received the plastic tankard, and to them it seemed like the greatest trophy imaginable for a half-hour of indignity. The GRAND prize winner received – brace yourself – a T-shirt! You should have heard the cheering when this was awarded! All hail of the power of promotional advertising!
Or, maybe it was the booze.
Mike Schenker, MAS, is a promotional industry veteran and member of the Specialty Advertising Association of Greater New York (SAAGNY) Hall of Fame. He can be reached at mike@mikeschenker.com.