It’s no secret that I wear my upbringing on my sleeve. It’s probably also no surprise that I wear food on the rest of my shirt, but that’s neither here nor there.
No…I’m Brooklyn through and through. That I have lived in places other than Brooklyn for two-thirds of my life doesn’t change anything. When you’re from Brooklyn, you’re always from Brooklyn.
We’re opinionated. Direct. Honest. And very, very loud. Maybe it had to do with being heard above the rattle of the trains, but we do tend to turn the volume up to eleven when trying to make a point (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KOO5S4vxi0o). Don’t you dare try to interrupt…that just makes us louder.
While there are some of us who enjoy arguing for the sake of arguing (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ohDB5gbtaEQ), in many cases an argument can be quite beneficial if not downright therapeutic. Sometimes a bit of mayhem is beneficial to the creative process.
As long as they’re not resorting to all sorts of “Your momma” comments (again, I am from Brooklyn), great teams can engage in productive conflict as a means of improving ideas, sparking innovation, and mitigating risk. As I said: that’s great teams. If yours is a bunch that foregoes the benefits of healthy conflict because they’re unwilling or unable to deal with the emotions that conflict often brings, it might be time to address the problems. Straight on. Don’t pull back just because you’re afraid of triggering an emotional outburst.
Let’s consider the reasons why it’s rational to avoid emotional conflicts. On the one hand, people who have been upset or affected by conflict in the past might have been labeled as immature or unprofessional. Or worse: a troublemaker. As such, it’s entirely possible that those individuals may now try to avoid potentially hot topics that might trigger their emotions again. On the other hand, there are those whose direct approach to conflict (read: “Brooklynites”) earned them a reputation as brutal or harsh. Or worse: a troublemaker. It’s just as likely for those folks to avoid contentious discussions lest they say something too direct.
For the record: we are neither brutal nor harsh. Simply passionate.
Assuming you’re not blessed with having a Kings County native on your team (hey…I know a guy!), there are some steps you can take to help break them of the habit of avoiding and instead embracing conflict. These changes will require your buy-in (and that of your team members), allowing to embrace a new mindset and to adopt different practices. These techniques will reduce the likelihood that a fear of emotionality will hijack progress.
Start with learning to deal with emotions. They shouldn’t be considered as a liability for people…they’re crucial in helping us make the most of opportunities and protecting ourselves from threats. A natural reaction when making a mistake should be that this experience will help you remember not to do it again. If you’re concerned about saying or doing the wrong thing because you’re afraid that you’ll now be the outcast, you’re now experiencing an emotional reaction which is similar to experiencing physical pain. That unpleasant sensation reminds you of the importance of maintaining positive relationships. Emotions are a primary biological response to the experiences of our surroundings and not something we can or should compartmentalize. They’re not something to be avoided. Instead, pay attention to and learn from them.
Your job as team leader is to understand the source of the emotions so you can learn from them. If you’re seeing an emotional outburst (see also “crying”, “yelling”, or “table-pounding”), it’s likely that there’s some unseen injury being done to the person. Maybe the discussion is challenging a deeply-held belief, or providing new and disorienting information, or causing the person to question their abilities, character, or self-concept. In any of these cases, the person’s brain is telling them that their world is being disrupted and panic ensues. You need to identify what is being injured so you can help them relieve the pain.
How you handle this is crucial. You can start by saying, “This is important. What do I need to understand?” The wording is significant because you don’t want to make the person feel embarrassed or stigmatized if you’d said, “You’re crying. Why are you crying?” “This is important” works because it doesn’t presume that you know what the person is thinking or how they are feeling as in, “You’re upset, tell me what’s wrong.” Instead, it just leaves this open for evaluation.
I know…it’s all easier said than done. If the conversation has or is about to go off the rails, it might be best to ask if the injured party wants to dial this back and revisit in a bit. As this might divert from the actual key points, maybe it would be wise to just take a collective deep breath and keep going. This can reinforce the idea that emotions are not toxic and are a natural part of life. Of course, keep in mind that returning to an emotional conversation that you’ve paused can be awkward. Use your judgment. If the person is crying or screaming to the point that they can’t catch their breath, you can say, “I get it. I know. I want to understand what’s going on. Let’s take a few minutes to collect thoughts and we’ll regroup this afternoon.”.
When you do get back to the conversation, be sure to listen to the person’s response and reflect what you’re hearing. Try, “How do you see this playing out,” or “What are we not seeing?”. Paraphrase what you hear until you get a clear sign from the person that you’ve gotten to the root of the issue. Now pivot your questions toward action: “What would a good direction look like for you,” or “What can be included in our plan to address that concern?”. By gently shifting you can see the emotion dissipating.
But what if you can’t include their suggestion? What if it’s not a good idea, or it’s just not reasonable? If that’s the case, be transparent. If they’ve raised an important issue but asked for a remedy that’s not a viable, you could say, “I’m glad you raised that issue. While we can’t do this-or-that, I feel like we’re now taking that risk knowingly.”
Look at me, being diplomatic. There’s a time and place to go all “Brooklyn” on someone’s ass. This isn’t one of them. In most cases, when the other party feels acknowledged…whether they get their way or not…the emotions can subside. If they don’t, you can give feedback about how the person’s emotional reactions are impacting their performance, the team dynamic, your perceptions, and blah blah blah. Be a diplomat like me: allow that they have valid points and concerns but emotions are fair game for feedback when they’re getting in the way of the work.
When there’s an opportunity, address the role of emotions as part of a broader discussion. Share your perspective on emotions and ask for others to add their thoughts. Moving forward, consider having your own set of ground rules about addressing emotions among your team.
Bottom line: don’t punish someone for showing emotion. Embrace their passion. That includes not criticizing them, not responding to emotion with more emotion, and don’t avoid them! At the same time, don’t punish people for triggering emotions in others. Encourage the feedback of others in order to build the best team. Creating a non-fearful atmosphere (I say “non-fearful” as opposed to “fearless” as I see these as two different things altogether) allows for honest interaction and decision making. If the question was particularly blunt, try rewording it. Help create space in the discussion to allow for questions or comments to sink in and then let the team process this via rational discussion.
Your role in all this is guide through the most contentious discussions that you face together. Allow for chaos. Reassure them that it’s okay to address the uncomfortable if it betters them all moving forward. Establish that the discussion might get emotional and that it’s okay…you’ll work through it together and find the best answer. Ask questions that will open the discussion up. Say that it’s okay to “get loud” as you face challenges and that yours is a great team because of its differences.
Embrace the chaos and the passion and yes…the loud. Stop short at name-calling and throwing things. As it turns out, that’s frowned upon. Who knew?
Mike Schenker, MAS, is “all that” at Mike Schenker, Consulting, where he assists businesses entering the promotional products industry, mentors professionals, and offers association management. He is a promotional industry veteran and member of the Specialty Advertising Association of Greater New York (SAAGNY) Hall of Fame. He can be reached at mike@mikeschenker.com.